Monday, April 6, 2009

So.. here it is.. another sleepless night

I slept in yesterday until after 12pm.. I haven't been able to go back to sleep yet.. So, I made a pot of coffee and here I am.. I figured I might as well stay up to get the boys off to school and then take a nap through the day and set my alarm to get up in time to pick my little monkey up.. My oldest rides the bus. I am awful with my sleeping pattern and I so wish that I could go to sleep on my own.. I wish the meds worked enough to let me go to sleep at an earlier time and fully rest. I refuse to up them.. I just don't want to.

I love my family.. I really do. I want to be able to be close to everyone and just make the best of what we have in life right now, from now on. I think that at least if I reach out and try.. at least I tried if it doesn't turn out the way I think that it should. I want the memories.. I want the family to get closer and love one another.. I want the holidays to be joyful.. which they usually are when we all get together.
Today, just minutes ago it hit me so hard.. the reality that my baby sister is gone.. she's gone forever. I just can't even believe this. My little baby sister is gone forever.. I can't even stand it.. I can't even begin to tell you how much I grieve and how much the pain of losing a loved one to suicide leaves you feeling so LOST.

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