Being a Mommy has been the most rewarding job that I could have ever asked for.
Sometimes I feel like I fail my children... I feel that I don't do enough. Then in the moments when I am at my lowest and I feel that I can't go on, they go and do something like hug me and tell me it will be alright and Mason still has my Valentine's balloon that his daddy got me that sings "Baby, I need your lovin'...got to have all your lovin'" aww yeah, it is almost deflated but the music still plays [[haha]] but he will toss it by me and run away and peek to see if it makes me smile. How sweet is that? Steven will just come up behind me at times and hug me, he is taller than me now.. grr.. but he will hug me and tell me he loves me. Moments like this makes it all worth while.
So.. I hope that with all of the being open and honest and talking to them and explaining about feelings and showing them with everything that I have been through [especially Steven, he is 15, he remembers a lot] for them, that they appreciate and understand. When Steven is being the teenage terror and I think that I am the only one going through this pain and suffering... I see on the news...or online news, groups etc..or anywhere that it could be worse, but this is a normal 'stage' and hopefully when he is a man he will always hold a special place in his heart for his Mom.
I know that most of you Mothers that pass by this entry and read this, I know you can understand where I am coming from. If you don't have a teenager... you soon will ... and you will feel the feelings that I feel in my heart.. the dread of your 'baby' driving soon... then the fear of them moving out of your home..
This is something that I just can't don't want to think about, but I do...
This is something hard for me right now.
I know that I have a while with Mason and that's easier for me to deal with at the moment.
Sure, when Steven was small, I thought about things every now and then but it was all so foggy and I just lived in the moment of being the Mom to an ADHD boy that was so hyperactive and so impulsive that if I wasn't on my toes every second then anything could happen. Now that time has passed by, things have calmed a bit with him with the hyperactivity but the impulsiveness is there, so thats a fear I have... "Will he make smart decisions? .... Will he think before he acts in bad situations?... Will he drive with safety?... Will he remember me and visit me?... Will he remember good hygeine, buckle his seat belt, be respectful to women, put God first, call on me when he needs advice?" .. I could go on and on... but you get the idea.. as I am sure you've felt this way in some sort of way.. no matter where your at in life with your children.
Anyone can give birth but it takes someone special to be a good Mother and although I'm not perfect, I sure hope my boys see that they are the world to me and I think of them as my LIFE.. they are my sunshine.. my reason for being here.