Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Ok so I want to come clean




I may have shared this with you all and I may not have, but I have Bipolar II disorder along with severe anxiety (generalized) disorder, dependant personality disorder etc.. My body betrays me.. my hands sweat, my heart and head races. I am so flip flop it's like, well it's like this:

It's really weird to me how when I'm manic I judge myself for being depressed.

I felt so productive today, so alive, so on top of things that I questioned how I said such things in anger as I did days ago.

I started asking myself questions like "was it really that bad" and "why couldn't you just snap out of it", and "Ashley, come on, why weren't you able to shake it off?"

Yup, I went there. I judged myself the way "they" would judge me.

Dang.

For a brief moment I convinced myself that I'm okay, and that I just had a bad patch, you know. I tell myself that I'm not bipolar at all.

Hmph.

Sad to know that depression could be as close as going to sleep and waking up tomorrow.

Until then, I'm gonna ride the mania train and Live La Vida Loca!

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