Saturday, March 8, 2008

Laugh now, Cry later

Ok so this is what my moods are, how can I explain it.. like a roller coaster I shall say. I have my good days, then there are the bad where I think the world is falling out from under my feet. I rant and rave and I feel like it is only happening to me, yet I get online to read about others having these issues and it sounds like me and I have hope.. then I get offline and back to myself it goes.

It is pretty sad to say that my only friends are online, when I find people that can relate is when it truly hits me that people judge me and that hurts. I have been beaten down in my life and I do deserve to have this judgement anymore. All I have been is a people pleaser, I just want to be happy. I am so happy that I took the first step in getting help with therapy. I had a friend give me a push, also my online group that I dearly love and can never give back what they gave to me. I feel it would never be enough. You know, I have been in quite a few groups but there are some that you just know are your true friends. We keep in touch, my friend Lisa used to send me clothes that her son Cole aka Colie outgrew and she made me things, she is so crafty. Things that I cherish. Her son was diagnosed with cancer a few years back and it hit us all in the group like a ton of bricks. I felt as if she was my friend in person and I watched him grow and it really amazed me how strong she was and held up and how much of a trooper our Colie was.

I have watched a friend Julie go through the gastric bypass surgery because she had struggles with her weight and she has lost so much weight and is so happy with herself that it is so great to see her acheive her goal.

Then there is Ellen, she is my buddy, she is so kind and caring, she's been a friend to lean on and you just know that she is your friend and will not judge you no matter what.
Actually, none of them do.

I remember back when I had struggles with Mason after he was born and he was diagnosed with Reflux, I had the roughest time. It was like starting all over again and they knew about the age gap between Steven and Mason and I would come to them with tears in my eyes like, What do I do? In desperation. I had a friend Teresa buy pacifiers for Mason in hopes that it was the perfect one that he could hold in his mouth, bless her heart. I will never forget that.

Anna banana, she has her hands full with her kids, they have I think 11 total between her husbands by another marriage, hers from another marriage and then thiers together. She is a young mom, but she keeps her wits about her and I do not see how she does it but she does. She is a strong woman. Very kind person too, she seems to have a good handle on her life with her children is busy in church as well.

We all share our ups and downs and we are still so close. Their are others, I keep in contact with and they're a blessing.

I was one to keep to myself, keep the peace and just sit back and watch as we had a few wackos come in to just stir up a debate and try and tear us apart but we had to weed them out to keep our group together. We are not as active but we never fail to update each other on our lives.

Teresa has a son with Autism and seeing him go from little speech to showing so much improvement was just such happy moments for our group. Just hearing about him makes me smile.

To watch our Colie over come cancer, that in itself was a blessing and although he still faces battles with growth, he is still clear of cancer and he is growing up so much! We supported them by buying support bracelets from him and gifts for him like coloring books and colors etc.

I could go on and on about each and every one of them but that would take forever. I haven't forgotten any of you for sure.

I bought Ellen a porcelian nurse angel that I saw that stuck out to me when a brochure came to me in the mail, because she was going to nursing school and she is just such a caring friend. It made my heart feel good to do that.

Some of us have shared so many things through mail such as cards and letters, clothes. It's amazing to find friends like that. It's just the little things that are HUGE.

The most important thing they have done for me was when I was so depressed and suicidal in Sept of 2004, after keeping to myself for so many years, I went to the computer with a nervous stomach, with sweaty palms, racing heart, racing mind and hoping they wouldnt judge me any different. To them for all those years I was just the quiet, pure hearted Ashley, but inside I was dying. I needed support that I didnt have in person, well, I just took a deep breath and started typing, I typed out from my childhood to the present and then sat with my finger on the mouse hesitating to send the email and knowing if I did, I couldnt unsent it since some had email accounts outside of AOL.
So, I took a deep breath and just hit send. I shut the computer down and didn't turn it on for a couple of days.
When I came back online to check to see if they wanted to still be friends or what they had to say, to my surprise they all reached out to me and even threatened to come to Arkansas to get me some help. Teresa searched up therapists on a sliding scale for low income in my area and then others gave me their support and some even called to talk to me. I was scared to death, I was to my wits end and I was spiraling into a dark tunnel and that was the scariest feeling in my life. I will spare you some of the things I felt and did.

Later I talked to a friend that told me that I was different everyday, she said some days I seemed so bubbly and talkative and there were days where I seemed mean, I seemed aggitated and wanted to be alone. She was worried about me and knowing that I told her about the people in my past that were drug addicts, she assured me that it was okay to get the kind of help I needed and she was right. When days went by and I tried to commit suicide, I finally reached out to Bobby because all I kept thinking was I can't do this, I have 2 children, I can't leave them behind what would they think, how would this affect them? Before this I was thinking they would be better off without me. I felt I was evil and I was doomed. So, I asked Bobby to take me to the hospital, that I needed help. He shrugged it off, like Ohh you will be okay, your hormones just haven't gotten back to normal and you will be fine. So, I went to my grandmother, the one that raised me a lot of my life and I thought she would see the desperation and fear on my face but she did nothing but the same thing pretty much, that I would be fine. I picked the phone up and called the therapist, made an appointment and got myself some help. After Bobby saw that I was serious he was pushing for me to do this and so was my friend Jamie.

The therapist I went to was kind of cooky in my opinion and I had no idea how it was other than what I had seen on tv and this was nothing like that. It was really odd. He seemed to judge me in a way that I didn't like at all and after the abuse I've had in my past with men, I requested to move to a town over, same clinic name but just different town. I felt more comfortable, so much better than where I was before. Women doctor and therapist. I trusted them more but still I was in and out of do I have what they say I do, or maybe it's this or maybe it's my past. I still sometimes have my days.

I wasn't big on taking medicine and it gagged me, but I eventually thought..what do I have to lose? I got on the meds and in about 5 weeks I saw a difference and from then on, things started getting a little better but it is not a miracle and I still cycle and struggle. It is as serious as cancer, diabetes, it is something that if you do not treat, it just does not go away, it can even worsen.

So, here I am, the one that has tried to hold together 2 teenage, wild sisters and my ADHD son through his battles and my husband that was so wild and had his struggle with drugs and alcohol and the hurt of not really having my parents and not knowing my place to being diagnosed and feeling 'crazy'. Maybe I am but at least I know where I stand and I went to get me help and there is a lot of people out there in denial or needs help but doesn't even know it. I will be fine. I am a survivor, I just need support and I have found that online. Thanks to all that have been there for me. Excuse my roller coaster moods, please. And thank you for those that have been my shoulder and ear.

Katie, you have been one of my best friends online, you have NO idea. I hope we stay friends for a long time.

Tiffany, I have been there for you through your struggles and I have been through mine, but you make me realize that I am also a good friend and person.

And of course my PRU girls, friends always.

Thanks for that.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

OH Ashley - I love you girl!!!